There are those moments that occur in my life, moments that shall go unspoken because they are too sweet. These are jewels and they are just for me. They are too precious to be subject to the judgments of those who will never truly understand; too precious to be marred by the imprints of another’s words and ideas. You may find glimmers of these jewels in my words and art – reflections, shadows – but the full picture rests within me, in the recesses of my memory. I will sleep in a locked room, alone, holding them next to my heart. There will be no mental chatter, no residue of words that have not marinated in judiciousness. It took me so many years to see that this does not have to be sad or paint a picture of loneliness. This does not have to mean that I am unworthy of a trusted friend. For so long, I gave these gems to others to hold, and they were returned to me with fingerprints and had lost their glints that had once so delighted me. I tossed and turned at night, restless, thinking of the fingerprints, infuriated by them! In my mind, the fault was with me, not for how careless I had been with my treasure, but for not being worthy of the person who could say exactly the right things, the things that would not torment me into sleepless nights. I did not realize that this person does not exist, and will never exist, any place aside from my reflection in the mirror. Hold on to the memories that you love. Search no longer for the person who can hold space for them with you. One day, someone will step quietly into this dance alongside you, and will understand so perfectly that words are not necessary. You will have conversations with them as you gaze at one another, not speaking, but feeling all. But, my love, the more you search and give away in a need for approval, or a need for someone to pinch you to tell you that something is real, the more frustration you create – perpetually stepping backward to resolve these irritations. Be soft, holding your sweet thoughts close. This is how you allow. This is how love finds you. This is how you love you.
© Holley Hyler | March 28, 2017